Archive for December, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Hi, Dad. You’re visiting your new blog right now. Pretty cool, eh?

For a long time now, you’ve been a rabid Internet consumer. You’ve read hundreds (maybe even thousands) of articles linked from Reddit and you’ve never once made a significant contribution back to the greater community. Instead, you call me or rant at your wife about the corruption of our inglorious police state. That’s fine by me, and I expect that to continue, but what reason do you have not to share your unapologetic blathering with the rest of the Internet? Now that you have this fancy new blog, nothing stands in your way! Share your ferocity with the huddled masses and save on your cell phone bill by calling me slightly less!

As you’ve probably seen by now, I named your blog “The Angry Floridian” and pointed the ever so catchy angryfloridian.com to it. Given how absurdly awesome and accurate the name is, you may think that it came naturally. Sadly, this was not the case. The name was only decided on after several years of demographic research and double blind user satisfaction studies. In fact, I’m so confident that the name will guarantee success for someone, somewhere doing something, that I’ll mock you endlessly if you don’t like it. Regardless though, you’re stuck with it for a year. Try to get used to it. I know this will be difficult for you because such grandiose things are infrequently bestowed to you. Should you need assistance, e-mail me or call me and I might get back to you about it. I’m not here to make promises.

In anticipation of the inevitable question, “What should I write about?”, I’ve prepared a list of topics that you can explore at your leisure:

  1. police raid innocent man’s house, <shoot, smash, or otherwise harm> precious <list of possessions>
  2. insurance companies <shove, push, force> <medical instrument> into the public’s <orifice>
  3. government <wire taps, steals, rapes, burns> every citizen’s <rss reader, sewage line, Internet connection, favorite beer>
  4. fishing for <fish, tires, guns, love>
  5. Florida’s <corrupt, evil, tyrannical, racist, homophobic, sexy> government officials have <poisoned the swamps, sold some precious public asset, killed babies, maimed squirrels, donned afro wigs, persecuted the innoncent>.
  6. list of reasons Titusville sucks and Cocoa is awesome
  7. Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu comics
  8. Harley Davidson motorcycles are awesome, except when they leak <type of fluid> and <catch on fire, burst into flames>, which is <all the time, hardly never>
  9. <American motorcycle racer> is <awesome, bad ass> compared to <foreign motorcycle racer> who has a <funny accent, stupid motorcycle, boyfriend/husband>
  10. Dennis Kucinich’s wife is <bangin’, super> hot

Should you decide that blogging isn’t your “thing”, my emotional well being will be irreparably harmed. It’s likely that we’ll never speak again and I will become a vagrant, begging for food or used clothing whenever passers-by make eye contact with me. Know that your friends and our family will rightly blame you for this tragedy. All you had to do was use the awesome laptop I gave you to produce something.

That is all. Merry Christmas!

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